On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
