if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize