My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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