are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
