I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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