I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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