I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
