You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
