Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
