I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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