my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
