a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
