I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
