Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
