I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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