the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
