I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It's shark week go big or go home
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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