soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize