Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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