Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize