Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
