I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
