Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
