My boss' voice literally gives me gas
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
