This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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