So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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