Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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