no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
