cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
