I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
