dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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