I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
