guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize