I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
