@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
