I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
