all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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