he wants to bone in the snuggie
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
