"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
