Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
