remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
