he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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