I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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