am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
