my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
