Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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