he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
