There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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