Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
