I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
