Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
