I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
