I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
