Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
