he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those š
You told him he ācould park his dick in your garageā.
Well he didnāt. It shouldnāt be this hard to get a penis.
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