The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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