I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She's just so happy...and so naked.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
