but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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