Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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