He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize