I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
