i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
