cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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