Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize