All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
