Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
