Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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