I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
