he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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