The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
